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I want my boyfriend back but his behaviour is confusing. One day he seems to want to get back together; the next day he can barely be bothered to talk to me. Does this sound familiar? If this is your problem, read on to see how Paula got help in this situation.

Paula’s Story

My boyfriend Terry dumped me after we had been together for six months. I was really in love and I thought he felt the same way. He seemed to care for me and he was always very attentive. There were no warning signs to indicate that he might be planning to end our relationship. One day he just dumped me without warning. He said he wasn’t ready for a serious love relationship.

I was heartbroken and I cried all the time. I did everything I could think of to get my boyfriend to come back to me. I wrote him a long letter telling him how I felt. I called him every day and, when he didn’t answer, I left messages to tell him I still loved him.

I found out that this was exactly the opposite of how I should be behaving. So, I followed the advice I received and broke off all contact with my ex boyfriend. I stopped hanging round places where I knew I might bump into Terry. It was hard at first but I started going out more with my girlfriends.

I was just starting to feel that I was getting over the pain of breaking up, when my ex boyfriend phoned me out of the blue. I went over to his apartment and it was as if the breakup had never happened. We talked and shared our old private jokes. It was just like old times. He was as attentive as ever. I knew I still loved him and I thought he still loved me. I stayed the night and it was wonderful.

Terry didn’t call me the next day, or the day after that and I kept waiting. After four days, I tried calling him but he didn’t answer his phone. It has now been a whole week and I have heard nothing from my ex boyfriend. I thought we were back together. I want my boyfriend back, but I don’t know how he feels and I am very confused and upset.

This is the point where Paula decided to get some help with her relationship with her ex boyfriend.

Paula made the classic mistake of allowing her ex boyfriend to use her. She misread his motives. She is still in love with him and assumed his advances meant that he still loved her. Maybe he genuinely missed being with his ex girlfriend and wanted to talk to her. Maybe he invited her over just as a friend, but things escalated. Maybe he hasn’t been able to find a new girlfriend. Maybe he was deliberately using Paula because he knew she wouldn’t be able to resist him.

The fact is, we can’t know what was in Terry’s heart that day. What we can see is that Terry’s subsequent behaviour is not that of somebody in love. If he loved Paula, he would have remained in contact. He wouldn’t be ignoring her after their night together.

Receiving the call she had longed for, made Paula react in completely the wrong way. She should have kept this first communication to a brief conversation. She should have acted in a friendly manner without immediately giving away her deep feelings. By showing she was at her ex boyfriend’s beck and call, she has let him know that he has the power to manipulate her and use her. Paula has sacrificed her self-respect. She has shown her ex boyfriend that it doesn’t matter how badly he behaves, he can still get what he wants from her just by making a quick phone call.

This is a hard lesson for anyone to learn. Paula’s pride is in tatters. She feels used and humiliated. The pain of losing her boyfriend has been renewed. She now has to face the fact that her ex boyfriend doesn’t want to resume their relationship. She has been left with the unhappy thought that maybe he didn’t really love her and was just using her all along.

Unfortunately, Paula let her heart overrule her head. When she received an unexpected call from the ex boyfriend she was trying to get over, she should have made sure to keep him at arm’s length. She should have given herself time to get over the surprise of hearing from him. She should not have gone running straight over to his home. She should have arranged a meeting for a later date on neutral territory. The first rule of getting back with your ex is “Don’t try to rush things”.

If you are thinking “I want my boyfriend back”, remember that rushing into reconciliation is dangerous. Play safe and take things slowly. Find out how your ex boyfriend really feels about you before things go too far. For more tips on avoiding rushing into reconciliation too soon, check out our video about getting back with your ex too soon.

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